EXT. UPGRADE STAND
A sleezy, scaly one-eyed dude leans on the Ugrade Stand. He has a large EXCLAMATION MARK coming out of his crotch. This is LARRY QUESTGUY. You can see behind him, several WINGED PUPPIES frolic playfully.
LARRY: Hey, alright alright alright, you looking for a...HEY! EYES UP HERE, BUDDY.
Larry points towards his eye.
LARRY: You two perverts or something? Huh? I've heard about you Chairorpians...
TROVER: We're not...no! We're not perverts. Just...what's up with that exclamation mark?
LARRY: Don't look at it! I told you not to look at it!
TROVER: Jeez! Don't have a shit fit. It's just kinda, you know...hanging out there. In the breeze.
LARRY: Hey, do you think something like that fits in a pocket? No! So where else am I supposed to put it, fuckwad?
TROVER: Man! Forget I asked.
LARRY: Besides, I'm Larry Questguy. It's a Questguy family trait. Runs in the family. Passed down. If you're a Questguy, you're endowed with a Questing Mark like mine. I'm Larry Questguy. I give out quests. You take a quest, you do the quest, you turn in the quest to me, I give you the reward. It's a family business. My father Bob Questguy gave out quests. His father Hiram Questguy gave out quests. My uncle Johnny Questguy though, he was the black sheep of the family. He wanted to do quests, not give them out. What kind of crazy Questguy does that? He went off on a quest one day, never came back.
TROVER: You never went looking for him?
LARRY: Are you fucking crazy? I'm a Questgiver, not a Quest Taker. No way I'd go questing to find Johnny. Nope, that crazy fuck went off into the woods, never came back, good riddance I say. So, what are the two of you...HEY CHAIRORPIAN! YOU EYEING MY QUESTING MARK AGAIN?
[[Yes, I'm looking at it]]
[[No, I'm not]]
LARRY (angry): Well, take a good look then. Take a good, hard look. Like what you see?
Larry points at his exclamation mark.
LARRY: You think I like having this thing? It's like, you know, if you had a supernumerary nipple. A nubbin? You know, a third nipple. Who even needs or want something like that. But, you know, I was born with it. Because I'm a Questguy.
Trover nervously interrupts.
TROVER: Hey, uh, so...you were talking about rewards for turning in quests?
[[Larry gives his quest]]Larry stares skeptically at the Chairorpian for a moment, then:
LARRY: Alright, but I've got my eye on you.
[[Larry gives his quest]]LARRY: So, see this rainbow powerbaby? It can make you fly. Pretty cool, huh?
TROVER: Hell yeah that's cool! Flying would be the best.
LARRY: I know! That's why it's my quest reward. For doing my quest.
TROVER: All right, I'll admit. You've got me interested. Curiosity piqued, even. So what do we have to do to get that powerbaby, then?
LARRY: See those cute puppies over there? All playing, romping around, frolicking even?
TROVER: Yeah, I see them.
lARRY: I hate them! I'm fucking allergic, all that dander makes my eye water. I get that phlegm in the back of my throat...
Larry makes a sound as if trying to clear mucus from his throat.
LARRY: It's the fucking worst. OK. Here's the deal, the quest. You go kill ten of those super adorable puppies, bring me proof they're dead, I'll give you the flying powerbaby.
TROVER: What kind of proof you want? Like, their heads or some shit like that?
LARRY: Did I NOT just fucking say I was allergic? And you want to bring me back a bunch of puppy fur? You trying to kill me or something? Use your brain, idiot. Just bring me their collars. Now, do you want to accept the quest, or not?
[[Accept the quest]]
[[Don't accept the quest]]
Larry's "Questing Mark" turns into a QUESTION MARK.
LARRY: Aw yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Feels good! Now, go kill those puppies. Kill 'em dead. Yeah, I can already feel my sinuses clearing up. Maybe I can finally get rid of that air purifier. What a piece of shit purchase that was though. Removes 99.99 percent of particulate matter from the air my ass. Run the thing day and night, I never noticed any difference. Except my power bill, yeah that's bigger. But I'm afraid to stop, you know? Maybe it IS working, and if I turned it off, I'd get worse. No, only sure way is to get rid of those puppies. Those sweet, happy little puppies.
(after moving away from Larry)
TROVER: Wow, killing puppies. That's some real hardcore shit. You sure you want to do that, partner? I mean, it's one thing killing Glorkon clones. That's fucking charity work. But look at these puppies. Should we kill them?
[[Yes, let's kill some puppies]]
[[No, the puppies deserve to live]]LARRY: Well fuck you guys then! You obviously don't want to fly. Or you just like to see someone like me suffer from allergies.
Larry HACKS UP some brown phlegm, which SPLATTERS across the Chairorpian's face.
You see that shit? That's what I have to deal with day in and day out. All because of those fucking puppies. Sure, they're cute, but they're monsters with all of that shedding and that, what do you call it, dander. They're like Hitler. Like sweet, fluffy, cuddly Hitlers.TROVER: Wow, didn't take you for a puppy killer. But hey, the universe is at stake, and being able to fly would be pretty fucking sweet. All right, you've convinced me. Let's kill some puppies!
Trover kills a bunch of puppies.
[[Turn in the quest]] Trover looks relieved.
TROVER: Whew boy, you had me worried there for a moment. Killing puppies is just a bridge too far, you know? That's some real Son of Sam stuff. Still, being able to fly would be super helpful right now...
TROVER: Hey partner, I've got an idea. What if we just grab the collars from a bunch of the puppies? That Larry's pretty stupid; I bet we could trick him into thinking that we killed the puppies and took the ten collars from their dead bodies. Yeah! Let's do it!
(After Trover grabs the collars from the puppies)
TROVER: All right! Let's go turn the quest in to that fucker!
[[Turn in the quest]]
LARRY: Hey, you killed those goddam adorable puppies! All right! Didn't think you'd have the cajones to pull it off. Gimme those collars.
When the collars are given to Larry, his Question Mark dissapears in a puff of smoke.
LARRY: Oh. Wow. That was awesome, I think I need a cigarette.
Larry lights up a cigarette and blows a smoke ring.
TROVER: If you're finished, we're kind of on the clock here.
LARRY: Oh, I finished, all right. But yeah, you probably want your reward. Here you go.
Larry hands over a FLYING POWERBABY.